Music feeds my soul

It's a boring Wednesday. It's dark and wet outside, and somehow my mood has decided to reflect this.

I drank too much wine last night, I'm behind on all of my work, both for teacher's college and for the PhD program I start soon. I haven't touched any of my personal writing in weeks. There are plenty of other things I should be doing right now.

Instead, I'm writing about music. I don't own an iPod, I don't go to concerts. I don't buy CDs or upload music from iTunes very often. I sing along to the radio, steal music from my siblings and stumble across artists in an haphazard manner. In all, I'm no music guru. I am not known for my amazing taste, my amazing talent, or my amazing knowledge of music.

Yet, music shapes me. It moves me. It sends my heart soaring, my mood plunging, my feet taping; my voice gets exercised and my soul fed.

I am an emotional creature, and music feeds my need to rejoice or sob. It allows me to brood over my decisions, lament the lost opportunities of the heart, grin and remember beautiful kisses and cuddling, laugh and remember all the silly moments of my past....music is a sensory recall, it's a reminder of the greatest and lowest emotions we feel as humans. I've always been a daydreamer, and secretly a hopeless romantic, and I think the time I get to enjoy these two aspects of myself the most is when I'm enveloped in a song, in music. I express myself through the words I write, yet I would kill to be able to express myself through song and words as so many musicians do.

Instead I must settle for borrowing their emotions, their joys and sorrows. Some artists simply get me moving and stick their badly rhyming words into my skull unvinvited. Others, however, tell stories so deeply moving I could weep hearing their words. They shift every part of my being into their mood, sweeping me into the ballad of their past heartbreaks.

There are a couple of bands/artists that can do this to me at the snap of their fingers, and on a day like today, when the weather begs me to brood and reflect, to long for things I can't quite reach and find unnoticed tears on my cheeks, I turn to them for solice, for comfort, for understanding and connection with words and music that echo the strongest of our emotions as humans. Songs that touch the darkest and lightest parts of us, just by singing along.

Artists like Adele, Priscilla Ahn, The Damnwells and Schyler Fysk have been on my repeat list today.

Adele's Someone Like You drags old skeletons out of the closet, making me mourn a bit for the broken hearted teenager I once was. Feelings I can't quite talk about here.

Priscilla's Dream is a haunting song of life lived to the fullest, a melody I hope is played at my funeral. Living my dreams is a daunting ambition to me at times. I feel like Bambi on unsteady legs when I think of my future and my potential as a human being. This song is an encouragement to me, to my future, to my heart, to my dreams. It says, be this person, the person that reaches for the best in yourself, that pushes to leave this world with a full life lived.

The Damnwells have an amazing ability to get my mood elevated SUPER high, or crash me into a sea of mellow and reflection. Their song Soundtrack strikes me as a sad version of Hey Jude. It's directed at a man letting the opportunity of love slip through his fingers. This is no girl band bitchfest, this is a genuine cry from man to man to not walk away from someone who needs him, who wants him, someone who will make him a better man. I've felt like that woman a time or two in my life, and hearing these lyrics from such a different perspective, interacting with pain, the emotions of the situation, the uncertainty and fear of all involved sheds light on the utter helplessness we sometimes experience when it comes to love. Sometimes, it isn't about us, about what we are feeling, or aren't doing. Sometimes it's just total uncertainty and an unwillingness to get hurt on the other person's part, and learning that lesson is important. We need to know we are only in charge of our own feelings, and we should never apologize for them.

Finally, dear Schyler Fysk. Covering Joshua Radin's Paperweight, Fysk brings a secret smile to my face whenever a moment or two of her song plays in my head. The lyrics "Happy to be here, just happy to lay here, I'm happy to know you" infuse my heart. They remind me on a day like today, when sad heartache lyrics draw me close, that songs about these intimate moments we can share with the people around us exist. We can be happy to lay on our beds, staring at someone who makes us smile.

And that is why I love music, why music feeds my soul. It shows me the colour wheel of emotion I am capable of. It sends me into daydreams, it keeps me humming and dancing. Music inspires me to feel, even when the last thing I want is to acknowledge my emotion.